Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Why most divorces are caused by Deodorant - hear me out...


People often complain that the divorce rate is so high these days. As if it’s any kind of mystery. Clearly it’s because of perfume and deodorant commercials. They are the one and only reason.
Deodorant commercials have us convinced, after years and years of indoctrination, that we are worthless, disgusting humans who reek and need to be covered up. All day, every day. And soon enough, all night. Mark my words. It won’t be long before they’ll come out with a night time deodorant.

But here’s the thing. We are still biological beings motivated by parts of our ancient mammalian brain stems. We’re supposed to be attracted to members of the opposite sex who have a different immune system from our own. This is because if the parents of a child have different immune systems, the child will be that much stronger. It will have the added advantage of two lineages of immune systems. The best of both worlds.

Sadly, you can’t just look at someone and see, ‘Hey, she looks healthy, she must have a pretty good immune system.’ It doesn’t work that way. She may in fact have a damn fine immune system, but there is no visual clue to knowing whether it’s sufficiently different from your own. So how did biology solve this? Pheromones. Or, simply put; natural body odor.
Subconsciously you’re attracted to people whose smell tells your mammalian brain that their immune system is different. That’s the whole trick. That’s why bodies smell, why sweat is naturally scented, and why every person on earth smells slightly different.
It is also the reason why people of other races seem so exotic. It’s not actually because they look different, that’s just an explanation our mind comes up with. It’s actually because your mammalian brain already knows that they’ll smell different. It already knows that any interaction with another race would cause offspring with a mixed immune system.

But we humans wouldn’t be truly human if we didn’t find a way to effectively shut down this natural process and make a quick buck in its absence.

So we tell people that they are smelly beings who should always be protected by a layer of perfume or deodorant or, preferably, both. Just washing up and being clean can’t be enough. We don’t spend enough money that way. Result; our mammalian brains have no idea who is a good partner and who isn’t. It just gives up and goes on an indefinite holiday.


Of course, there have to be repercussions. There always are. Sooner or later your partner will catch a whiff your natural smell and that’s when they’ll recoil. ‘Damn!’ Their mammalian brain will say, ‘that’s not the partner for me! They smell totally wrong! Who slipped this moron past me?’

And that’s when 90% of divorce proceedings are started, and the culprit here, the real bad guys, are of course the perfume and deodorant people. They’re messing with evolution.

-- excerpt of; ‘Leverage, A Fiscal Accountant’s Guide to Finding True Love.’