Thursday, October 12, 2017

Why the White House is a Dump - as explained by the Alien President

Part 7

Shapeshifting alien Gryx had taken over from the president and was expected to move into a great while house. The humans deemed it of utmost importance that the most important human of the land live in the most important house. So Gryx expected a lot from this great white house. He expected it to be spacious, luxurious, grand, and again, luxurious. After all, Gryx had seen pictures of kings’ castles, of pharaohs’ tombs, and emperors’ palaces. All these domiciles had been ancient and at least one of them had been designed for a dead person. Obviously a modern president could expect something far superior. Something that offered both the highest levels of technological advancement as well as the most decadent amenities earth had to offer. (And all probably coated in either gold or barbeque sauce – Gryx still wasn’t sure which substance the humans liked most.)
However, his initial visit had been disappointing.
As Gryx toured the house, the residing president explained the designation of each room, and Gryx had to admit, the place was indeed spacious. It was as large a domicile as he had seen on earth. Sadly, it was also quite old. In fact, the president was proud to point out that the great white house was the oldest house in the area, which Gryx failed to see as a positive. He’d rather not have the presidential estate be the house that brought the whole neighborhood down. Also, although humans had already mastered the use of excellent building materials such as rock and marble over four-thousand years earlier, the great white house was, for some reason, made from the same material as popsicle sticks. Another thing that baffled Gryx.
It just seemed like an illogical starting point.
Over the years certain types of fortification had been added, explained the president, but, essentially, the main building material was still driftwood.
Today, as he made his way down the stairs in search of the kitchen for the first time, Gryx felt a little twinge of disappointment at having to live in such a… such a… dump.
Sure, there were servants ready to satisfy his every whim twenty-four hours a day. That was nice, really nice. But it didn’t negate the fact that most of the wallpaper was drab and colorless (and distinctly devoid of both gold and barbeque sauce), or that, while the furniture was sturdy and expensive, it really wasn’t very stylish. Or that all the paintings he came across were simply laughable, looking as if some dumb schmuck had painted them hundreds of years earlier using only materials available at that time.
And, well, truth be told, there weren’t nearly enough TVs.
So apart from the ability to call on staff all hours of the day, the great white house was a real let down. He couldn’t imagine a pharaoh or emperor striking down here and actually being impressed.
No wonder the businessman’s family was still hesitant to move in.
His wife (or rather, the businessman’s wife), had called him several times to inform him that she had to remain in their previous domicile, citing different reasons for this every time. In Gryx’ limited experience with human females this was a clear sign she was unwilling to discuss the actual reason, but to Gryx it was clear. Somehow she had discovered about the dumpiness of the great white house and opted to remain on the outside of it for as long as humanly possible... Continue reading.

Similar posts: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

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