Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Help! The President is an Alien!

Part 1


“You know,” the businessman said, “I never actually wanted to be president.”
He looked over at the stacks of campaign posters, the streamers, the flyers. “Believe me,” he said, “I just thought it would be good PR to run. I’d go on the trail for a few weeks, drum up some extra business, then announce I’d no longer fund my own campaign and that would be it.”
He seemed to have lost his fight. His eyes were dull and unfocused, his shoulders bore the weight of the world, and even his hair, normally rebellious and fiery, looked lackluster.
“No one in their right mind was going to fund this thing for me, right? And if they wanted to, I’d just say something racist and the deal would be off. This country can’t stand racism. Or at least public racism.”
“Your plan did appear to be foolproof,” said his trusted advisor, topping up the man’s thirty-year-old scotch.
“Are you kidding? It was an amazing plan. A terrific plan. A great plan!”
“Still, somehow, it failed.”
The businessman nodded. He’d never admitted defeat before. In fact, he was a master at reframing any kind of defeat as a victory. But today, with no other witnesses than his trusted advisor, he simply sighed.
“I’ve attacked every minority. I’ve threatened the people with the harshest policies. I even promised to take away basic human rights, like health insurance and that other thing…” he trailed off. Policies, especially his own, weren’t his strong suit. He liked simple words like Deal and Profit.
“You threatened to squander what little prosperity the current president coaxed back to life out of a failing economy on an impossibly large construction along the southern border,” the advisor chimed in. “And, if I may say so, that was a brilliant move.”
The businessman straightened his shoulders. “The border wall was actually a reference to the pyramids and the slavery used to build them.”
“It was?” The advisor looked baffled. “That was very subtle. Perhaps a little too subtle.”
“Maybe. All the voters saw was a plan for a spectacular structure. They never even looked at the calculations, the ones I commissioned and then leaked to the press. No one cared about the cost, or the fact that it’d wipe out half our economy and still leave our borders virtually unprotected.”
“No, they didn’t, sir.”
“So I had no choice but to reverse-robin-hood them.”
The advisor raised another eyebrow. “That’s a pretty big word, sir. Is it one of those things you’ve overheard and started using without knowing the meaning? Or is it one of those things you make up just to confuse people?”
“Actually, it’s neither. Reverse-robin-hooding is an actual thing. It’s when you steal from the poor,” he paused for effect, then continued, “and give to the rich.”
“Ah, reverse– Yes, pretty smart.”
“It’s like the smartest, greatest plan ever. Tell people you’re going to take something from 99% of them and give it to the remaining 1%, you’ll get 99% of the votes against you.”
“That would seem the obvious result, yes.”
“But again, it didn’t work. So I announce some idiotic plan to revert back to coal.”
“And you received even more support.”
The businessman shook his head, topping up his own tumbler. “I mean, what more do I have to do to get out of this thing?”
The advisor handed the businessman his cell. “It’s still five more weeks till the election,” he said. “Why don’t you try another tweet? You know how vicious the internet is against stupid tweets.”
The businessman sighed and typed out a tweet, read it back, changed a few words to make it even more ignorant and more offensive, then sent it off.
This was prime stuff, he decided. He’d just reached previously unknown levels of offensiveness with a mere hundred and forty characters.
He looked back at his advisor, “This better work,” he said.
“I hear you, sir.”
“And what if I really do become president? Did you ever think about that?”
“I try not to, sir. But, don’t fear, it will never happen. I have one more ace up my sleeve.”
The businessman looked up, cautiously hopeful. “An ace?”
The advisor handed over the file he’d been carrying. “If all else fails, we’ll spread the rumor that you’ve being compromised by the Russians. No presidential candidate could ever survive that. It’s foolproof.”... Continue reading.

Similar posts: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

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