Thursday, February 17, 2011

15 year old Chat discovered...

The following mysterious chat was found buried in a temp folder on a defunct server. It is presented here in the hope that someone might be able to shed some light on this.

Internet chat started at: 17:05
Instant messages are being archived on this computer

Graham: Mr. Porter, I hope you remember me. I bought a rather expensive chest of drawers in your antiques store last week.

Gomez: That’s entirely possible.

Graham: Yes.. Well.. You told me it was an authentic Val Gardena. When I had it appraised, however, it turned out to be less than 10 years old! What do you have to say to that?

Gomez: If I recall correctly, you were the one who suggested it was an authentic Val Gardena. As I know nothing about antiques, I was in no position to argue.

Graham: How can you run an antiques store and claim to know nothing about antiques?

Gomez: It happens. And believe me, I don’t like it any more than you do.

Graham: But when I asked you about the Val Gardena, you nodded and said you were impressed. Insinuating you knew what I was talking about, and that I was correct in my assumption!

Gomez: No, sir. I was merely acknowledging how impressed I was with your knowledge of antiques. It’s always nice to meet a customer who knows what he’s talking about. It was a real treat. Even if I didn’t understand a word of what you were saying.

Graham: Well, if that’s the case, shouldn’t you at least have warned me that this was a new chest of drawers?

Gomez: Are you kidding? You saw what it looked like. It was dirty! Filthy! Could easily have been a hundred years old. To be honest, I was surprised you even dared to touch it. I never went anywhere near the thing myself.

Graham (sighing): When I got it home, I found a label at the bottom of the chest. Surely you’re not claiming you never noticed that label?

Gomez: I might have noticed a label. Refresh my memory, what does it look like?

Graham: It’s small

Gomez: Yes?

Graham: and oval

Gomez: Yes?

Graham: and it says: IKEA.

Gomez: Ah. That does sound familiar, yes...

Graham: Still, you didn’t think it was something you should mention? That the Val Gardena you were trying to sell me was in actuality just a dirty IKEA chest?

Gomez: It might still have been a Val Gardena. There were hundreds of apprentice labels in use in those days. Thousands even! No one knows what they all looked like.

Graham: And this one just happened to say IKEA, using the IKEA font, the IKEA colors, and the IKEA logo? Doesn’t that strike you as a little coincidental?

Gomez: Not at all! In fact, that’s probably where IKEA got their logo from to begin with. They stole it, the cheap bastards!

Graham: Mr. Porter, I’m going to return the chest tomorrow and you are going to reimburse me. Is that clear?

Gomez: That’s fine. In fact, I was just about to call you. We just took ownership of an authentic Groedental beveled mirror! I thought it might interest you.

Graham: Well, yes, actually. Thank you for thinking of me. Put it aside for me please.

Graham Parke is responsible for a number of technical publications and has recently patented a self-folding map. He has been described as both a humanitarian and a pathological liar. Convincing evidence to support either allegation has yet to be produced.

No Hope for Gomez! is his fiction debut:

Boy meets girl.
Boy stalks girl.
Girl already has a stalker.
Boy becomes her stalker-stalker.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Win a copy of No Hope for Gomez!

It's the age old tale:
  • Boy meets girl.
  • Boy stalks girl.
  • Girl already has a stalker.
  • Boy becomes her stalker-stalker.

Learn how this works out for him in "No Hope for Gomez!" As a mildly interesting coincidence, you can actually win a copy of this book by becoming an email-follower of this blog. Or, if you are one of the bright, heroic people already following, then just jot down why you are the perfect person to win in the comments section below.

(Don't worry, you're probably the only person reading this, so you're sure to win!)

Go to the next blog here.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Wedding or Funeral?

There is nothing more cool than making fun of the innocent, and there is no-one more innocent than me. (Ok, so neither statement is actually true, sue me.) So why not make fun of myself? This is what I thought when I came across a facebook picture taken of me at a wedding I attended last month.

This was one of those deals where someone catches you unawares and immortalizes an expression you never knew you made (you know, that thing where your subconscious basically uses your face to do impressions without you knowing?) Apparently, my subconscious was voicing its opinion about me having missed my calling as a world-weary New York homicide detective.

By my estimation, coming across a picture like that is a scary thing on about 17 levels. A few of these levels being; the realization that people do take pictures of you when you’re not looking, that the gray suit doesn’t actually fit you, and that you have no idea what other expressions your subconscious is experimenting with. Do I look like a serial killer most of the time? Is that where the strange looks come from? Is that why the mailwoman stopped saying hello? Do I smile overly suggestively when I count out change at the supermarket? Is this why cashiers seem so nervous?

On the upside, though, I am finally able to enter a picture in the 2011 ‘Was This Taken at a Wedding or a Funeral?’ photo competition. So, for that thing, fingers crossed. Being a sham world-weary New York homicide detective might still win me a dubious prize.