Thursday, February 17, 2011

15 year old Chat discovered...

The following mysterious chat was found buried in a temp folder on a defunct server. It is presented here in the hope that someone might be able to shed some light on this.

Internet chat started at: 17:05
Instant messages are being archived on this computer

Graham: Mr. Porter, I hope you remember me. I bought a rather expensive chest of drawers in your antiques store last week.

Gomez: That’s entirely possible.

Graham: Yes.. Well.. You told me it was an authentic Val Gardena. When I had it appraised, however, it turned out to be less than 10 years old! What do you have to say to that?

Gomez: If I recall correctly, you were the one who suggested it was an authentic Val Gardena. As I know nothing about antiques, I was in no position to argue.

Graham: How can you run an antiques store and claim to know nothing about antiques?

Gomez: It happens. And believe me, I don’t like it any more than you do.

Graham: But when I asked you about the Val Gardena, you nodded and said you were impressed. Insinuating you knew what I was talking about, and that I was correct in my assumption!

Gomez: No, sir. I was merely acknowledging how impressed I was with your knowledge of antiques. It’s always nice to meet a customer who knows what he’s talking about. It was a real treat. Even if I didn’t understand a word of what you were saying.

Graham: Well, if that’s the case, shouldn’t you at least have warned me that this was a new chest of drawers?

Gomez: Are you kidding? You saw what it looked like. It was dirty! Filthy! Could easily have been a hundred years old. To be honest, I was surprised you even dared to touch it. I never went anywhere near the thing myself.

Graham (sighing): When I got it home, I found a label at the bottom of the chest. Surely you’re not claiming you never noticed that label?

Gomez: I might have noticed a label. Refresh my memory, what does it look like?

Graham: It’s small

Gomez: Yes?

Graham: and oval

Gomez: Yes?

Graham: and it says: IKEA.

Gomez: Ah. That does sound familiar, yes...

Graham: Still, you didn’t think it was something you should mention? That the Val Gardena you were trying to sell me was in actuality just a dirty IKEA chest?

Gomez: It might still have been a Val Gardena. There were hundreds of apprentice labels in use in those days. Thousands even! No one knows what they all looked like.

Graham: And this one just happened to say IKEA, using the IKEA font, the IKEA colors, and the IKEA logo? Doesn’t that strike you as a little coincidental?

Gomez: Not at all! In fact, that’s probably where IKEA got their logo from to begin with. They stole it, the cheap bastards!

Graham: Mr. Porter, I’m going to return the chest tomorrow and you are going to reimburse me. Is that clear?

Gomez: That’s fine. In fact, I was just about to call you. We just took ownership of an authentic Groedental beveled mirror! I thought it might interest you.

Graham: Well, yes, actually. Thank you for thinking of me. Put it aside for me please.

Graham Parke is responsible for a number of technical publications and has recently patented a self-folding map. He has been described as both a humanitarian and a pathological liar. Convincing evidence to support either allegation has yet to be produced.

No Hope for Gomez! is his fiction debut:

Boy meets girl.
Boy stalks girl.
Girl already has a stalker.
Boy becomes her stalker-stalker.

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