Wedding or Funeral?

There is nothing more cool than making fun of the innocent, and there is no-one more innocent than me. (Ok, so neither statement is actually true, sue me.) So why not make fun of myself? This is what I thought when I came across a facebook picture taken of me at a wedding I attended last month.

This was one of those deals where someone catches you unawares and immortalizes an expression you never knew you made (you know, that thing where your subconscious basically uses your face to do impressions without you knowing?) Apparently, my subconscious was voicing its opinion about me having missed my calling as a world-weary New York homicide detective.

By my estimation, coming across a picture like that is a scary thing on about 17 levels. A few of these levels being; the realization that people do take pictures of you when you’re not looking, that the gray suit doesn’t actually fit you, and that you have no idea what other expressions your subconscious is experimenting with. Do I look like a serial killer most of the time? Is that where the strange looks come from? Is that why the mailwoman stopped saying hello? Do I smile overly suggestively when I count out change at the supermarket? Is this why cashiers seem so nervous?

On the upside, though, I am finally able to enter a picture in the 2011 ‘Was This Taken at a Wedding or a Funeral?’ photo competition. So, for that thing, fingers crossed. Being a sham world-weary New York homicide detective might still win me a dubious prize.

Why the first cut is the deepest…

I was attacked by my hairdresser. I was butchered and left for dead. It taught me a very valuable lesson: don’t insult your hairdresser. Ever. No matter how rude and obnoxious she is. Unless you are fully prepared to throw off the gown and walk out the door, you'll have to grin and bear it. I pissed my hairdresser off and paid a terrible price.

Here's what happened. I was a bit annoyed because my hairdresser spent an unholy amount of time discussing her nails with her previous customer, even though it was well into my time slot. And then she spent some more time discussing purses and where to buy them. And then she went back to discussing her nails, this time focusing more on the age-old mystery of whether it was better to visit a nail salon or to have someone come over to her house. When her nails had finally been discussed to death, she said farewell to her previous customer, and disappeared to the back of the salon.

I let go of my anger. I decided that this girl was not actually supposed to be cutting my hair. I wasn’t sure which of the girls had been allocated to my head, so I’d mistakenly assumed it was her. Silly me. My hairdresser was one of the other girls. A nice, friendly girl who had obviously been detained through no fault of her own.

It felt good to relax and not have to feel taken advantage of.

However, moments later, the nail-girl returned from the back and leisurely pushed her trolley towards me. As she passed, she said 'Hi!'. But she said it in a manner that seemed to suggest she’d only just noticed me, and was surprised to find me waiting. Even though I should have been done by then.

So I gave her a cold shrug. A kind of 'Hi yourself, I'm sure you're not my hairdresser because no sane person would have kept me waiting this long while she discussed her nails with a customer who had already paid up and was standing in the doorway to leave anyway' - shrug. This was not actually a very complicated shrug. As it turns out, it takes surprisingly little effort to convey all that in a single shrug.

Anyway, long story short, I was a little cold to my hairdresser. Way to stand up for myself, I know. I didn't put her in her place. I didn’t call the manager. I didn’t even pee on her shoes. Not a drop! I was merely a little cold. But, it was enough. Oh yes. She attacked my hair like a mad woman, left me with very little to play with. I look like the victim of some new and frightful disease.

I would have stopped her, but there really was no point. After that first cut, which was of course the deepest, she had to keep going. You can’t put anything back so I had no option but to let her at least even it all out. I closed my eyes and prayed there would be something left when I opened them. There was, but it looked terrible. I should show you. I really should. Then we could be outraged together. Sadly, my camera is broken.

Honestly.

It doesn't take pictures anymore. And probably won't for the next 3 to 4 weeks …

Free Novella to start 2011 off on the wrong foot!

Blurb: Gomez' life continues to crumble towards insanity after the events chronicled in "No Hope for Gomez!". Clinical studies have shown that reading this spin-off novella is likely to make you more attractive to the opposite sex and elevate your random luck by about 9.5%**

(** These statements have not been evaluated by any person of consequence!)

Everyone who subscribes to this blog by email will receive a copy of 'Random Acts of Senseless Kindness.'

Random Acts of Senseless Kindness

A Novella by Graham Parke
Excerpt:

Blog entry: Arrived at the store late, found a homeless guy sleeping in the doorway. Hicks was already inside but gave no indication he’d noticed. I nudged the homeless guy and asked, “How are you doing down there, fellow? You okay?”

The homeless guy grumbled something in his sleep.

“It’s getting pretty cold,” I said. “Don’t you want to come inside?”

“Inside?” He coughed and opened his eyes.

I pointed out the store, not convinced he’d actually noticed where he’d crashed the night before. “This is my antiques store,” I told him. “We’ve got the heating on inside, shame to waste it on just two people. And it looks like it might start to snow soon.”

The homeless guy gave me a suspicious look. “You want me to come inside? With you?”

“Sure, if you’d like.”

“Is that because you think that if I come inside with you, I’ll let you touch me?”

“What? No!”

“Okay, because I can tell you right now, that’s not gonna happen.”

“Well, I suppose it is good to get those kinds of things clear beforehand. But no, I was just thinking you might enjoy the warmth, maybe a cup of coco.”

“A cup of coco you say…” He scratched his stubble. “And you’ll be charging me for this cup of coco?”

“No, the coco is free.”

“I see. So, are you operating under the assumption that if I come inside with you, and I drink your free coco, that I will touch you?”

“What? No!”

“Okay, because I can tell you right now, that’s not gonna happen either. Just because a guy is down on his luck, that doesn’t mean he goes around touching people in exchange for cups of coco.”

“I understand completely. And thanks again for pointing that out. But no, my friend and I noticed that you were sleeping in our doorway and, well, we’d like to invite you inside.”

The homeless guy turned and peered through the window in the door. He made eye-contact with Hicks, who panicked and went looking for his broom. “That your friend?”

I followed his gaze. “Yeah, that’s Hicks. He’s a bit peculiar, but he’s okay.”

“I see.” The homeless guy pulled on his collar. “And this friend of yours, will he be drinking coco also?”

“I suppose. I’m not entirely sure, but it seems likely.”

“I see.” The homeless guy considered this. “So,” he said, after a long moment, “will this friend of yours be expecting me to touch him?”

“No! There is no touching involved in any of this!”

“Okay, calm down,” the homeless guy said. “There’s no need to get all homophobic!”

“I wasn’t!”

“You sounded homophobic to me.”

“Me? You’re the one who can’t stop talking about touching people!”

I noticed people stopping in the street to stare at us. This made me very uncomfortable.


Go to the next Blog Hop Blog

Yet Another Give-away Blog Hop

A simple giveaway this time. Subscribe to this shiny new blog as a new follower and you could be the lucky winner of a limited edition, signed copy of "No Date for Gomez!"

No Date for Gomez!

The Blurb:

The events in this novella take place 5 years prior to those described in the international bestseller (fingers crossed): No Hope for Gomez!

“I’ve always worried that we have one particular hair on our heads which, upon removal, causes all other hair to fall out. A Master Hair of sorts.      It’s probably nonsense. It’s highly unlikely. Nevertheless, I comb very carefully.” -- Gomez Porter, Blogspot. [5 years and 2 days ago from blogfox]

Gomez’ attempts to secure a date with the new girl in his building are nothing if not unorthodox and alarmingly awkward. But, as fortune would have it, this is not your typical girl next door. This strange creature hides a dark secret, one in which Gomez may well find himself caught up.

The Excerpt:

Ran into Gretchen in the hallway. My head was buzzing with thoughts, but when I looked into those hazel eyes, everything went quiet. It was like a power outage in my brain. All synaptic activity slowed and my inner voice went dead. In fact, I wasn’t even entirely sure I was still there.

    I could remember talking to people. Knowing the kinds of things one said in polite conversation. I could remember making people think and laugh. But, at that very moment, I couldn't put my finger on any of the words one might use when running into a fellow human being in a hallway.

    Gretchen smiled and said, “Hi!”

    Which was one of the words one might use.

    “How are you doing today?”

    Which, I now recalled, was a bunch of others.


Hop to the next blog in the list: Here.

Black Nailed Interview

BN: How did you choose being an author for your career?

Graham: I don’t think many people sit down to make a career choice and come up with ‘author’. Much like the number of enthusiasts for a vacancy as torture victim are, I suspect, quite low.

Read the interview HERE.

Ban on overly Xmassy sites.

I love Christmas. Or most bits of it. I like the red bits, and the bits with the lights, and I especially like the bits where it gets cold and dark and then I get presents. And I don’t even mind the commercialization of Xmas; shops fronts all dressed up, corny music playing everywhere, people I don’t recall sending me cards and making me feel guilty so I send them a card next year when they forget to send me one because I was too late this year, and so on. All that is part of the fun. It’s what Xmas is all about. And I still think Coca Cola deserves at least half a nobel peace prize for coming up with Santa and all the wooly-redness that he brings with him. Maybe we can find a used nobel prize on eBay or something. Paint it a little. Put it in the mail. Come on, it’s the least we can do!

But where it all starts to break down for me is all the website updates. Suddenly every single site in existence needs to update their graphics to make them all… well… Xmassy. Adding lights and reindeer and, for the love of Coke, snow. Snow, snow, snow! Please! It was bad enough when Google started updating their logo for every single calendar item (apart from “Saint Pascal’s Afternoon” I don’t think they skipped a single one). Do we all have to follow? Do we all have to keep pretending that websites are somehow real places and thus in need of festive make-overs? No, we do not.

So you can imagine my intense dismay when, after a dreary afternoon of zoning out and killing time, I noticed that I’d not only doodled some Xmassy graphics for my website, I’d also compressed the files, uploaded them, changed the site’s html, and made the whole thing go live. I mean, really, of all absentminded mistakes to make!

Needless to say I was embarrassed to find I’d sunk so much time into it. So much so I decided to invest no further time into it at all, such as the time needed to revert everything back again. I’ll get to it some time, perhaps in the new year…

The Cast for the No Hope for Gomez! Movie

I've been having fun following forum discussions about possible cast lists for a No Hope for Gomez! Movie. Often authors have someone in mind when they write up a character. An actor maybe, a relative, or just some dude they caught going through their garbage. This I'm told. I don't really write that way. I didn't have anyone in mind when I created the characters in NHfG!, but the discussions inspired me to come up with my own shopping list. I invite you to add your own picks. I'd be interested to hear who you'd pick and why.

I realize that there are still a few of you who haven't finished the novel and don't know all the characters yet, so I've added some info and quotes to each. Little statements that define them. This way everyone has a good base for choosing an actor (or a relative, or a dude they caught going through their garbage).

Warren Baxter
Gomez’ neighbor. He spends his time writing bible-thick manuscripts that nobody is interested in.

“There was nothing I could do to stop Warren from walking down the stairs with me, so I shrugged and picked up the pace. As he started talking, I increased my pace further. At one point I tried taking two steps at a time, but that, apparently, only works well on the way up.” – Gomez

“I told Warren that I’d said everything that could be said about his manuscript with the salamanders. As an artist, he should understand I that could never sacrifice the intensity of my feedback by translating it into a lesser medium. Moreover, it would be an unforgivable waste of salamanders.”- Gomez

My pick:

Felipe Esparza. Reason: Look at the guy. You know he's already stir-frying gophers in enamel woks at midnight. He won't even have to act. He'll just need to hold back a little.
Where have we seen him: Last comic standing, S7.


Dr. Christine Hargrove
Runs the drug trial in which Gomez is enrolled.

“If it doesn’t interfere with your coffee plans, I’d like to get a Coke with you after work. I mean, after your work, of course, and mine, also. After both our works. Sorry I didn’t make that clear.”

“You better leave me alone. I so much as spot you in the distance, I’ll break into your apartment to shave off your eyebrows while you sleep!”

My pick:

Lacy Chabert. Reason: Dr. Hargrove isn’t what you'd call a stock character. We need an actress who can play a completely new female character. We also need some cuteness and deeply penetrating eyes.
Where have we seen her: Pleasure drivers, Lost in Space, Party of Five.


Hicks
Hicks is a neurotic antiques store assistant.

“I inherited Hicks along with the store when my parents died in a tragic antiques-acquiring incident. I’ve kept him around in the hope he’d turn out to know something vital about the antiques business. If he does, he’s been keeping extremely quiet about it. In fact, he’s shown no signs of knowing anything vital about anything.” – Gomez

My pick:

Hugh Laurie. Reason: Hicks is a complicated character, in the prequel he'll be going through some wild and dramatic changes as well. So we need someone who can play a range of characters, make them convincing, and still be able to deliver expert timing.
Where have we seen him: All or nothing at all, A bit of Fry and Laurie, Black Adder.


Customer/Antiques expert
Annoying customer, knows far more about antiques than is strictly necessary for survival in this world.

My pick:

Danny Trejo. Reason: Come on, you can see the scene in your mind, can't you? Trejo walks into the antiques store, sleeveless leather jacket, tattoos all over the place, biker grimace. He picks up an obscure, dust covered item, and complains how puzzling it is that it resembles some of the more notable pieces of the Louis Philippe period, while its refinement and detailing is more in line with Louis XIV style.
For that scene alone I'd watch the movie.
Where have we seen him: In at least half the movies in existence today.


Sombrero guy
Mysterious character, infiltrates the antiques store in various guises with vague and eerie goals.

“Some hats go well with business suits, most hats don’t, but nothing goes quite as badly with a business suit as a sombrero, which is what the guy was wearing.”- Gomez

“..his Adam’s apple was unusually large and pointy. As soon as I’d noticed it, I couldn’t take my eyes off it. I almost sensed the thing scraping against the inside of his skin, stretching his throat to the brink of bursting. I was going to have nightmares for days.” – Gomez

S: “See how this faded blue line runs along the left side of the form, but not the right?”
G: “Yes, now you mention it. Is that significant?”
S: “Probably not, no." He shook his head. “Can’t imagine why it would be.”

My pick:

Steve Buscemi. Reason: I don't really need a reason. Steve should be in every movie. Fine, if you insist; just picture Steve in a business suit, wearing a sombrero, and sandals, going around trying to make friends. Would you be his friend? Of course you would, don't lie. You’d be his friend if only to see what would happen next.
Where have we seen him: in the movies Danny Trejo isn’t.


But, most importantly, we'll need a director. Someone with vision. Someone with heaps of talent. Someone who won't be scared off by a script of which the most interesting features are the coffee stains.

My pick:

Terry Gilliam. Reason: He'll make a great movie. If not, at least he'll be man enough to burn the negatives. Something more directors should be willing to do.
How do we know him: Brasil, Fear and Loathing, 12 Monkeys.


We still have a few people left; Joseph Miller, the first victim. Mr. Norton, the only world-weary detective who happens not to be wise-cracking. Detective Moran, Tommy, Harry, well, the list goes on. Let me know what you think. If you don't, I’ll vote for all of them to be either played by Paul Giamatti or the dude who's currently going through my garbage (he has a rough but intense way about him.)

Did I forget anyone? Ah, yes, Gomez himself. Well, here’s the thing. Try as I might, I can't wrap my head around this one. Here’s some suggestions I've seen around the net: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tony Shalhoub, Rowan Atkinson, Brian Austin Green

I'll leave it up to you.